Offworld Antics
by StarKate
Summary: Beware of offworld flora! Lol Sam goes a little strange....
1. Default Chapter

Insanity is sometimes the best form of medicine.......I should know! Enjoy : D  
  
StarKate  
  
A/N - This is just a little fic, which is probably a very weird product of my twisted mind! ~_^  
  
Season - Around about Season 5.  
  
Setting - Just another mission.....or is it? A warning to everyone to stay AWAY from harmless-looking flora!!! hehehe  
  
One of Those Days  
  
Sam glanced around at P3Y 729 as she walked away from the 'gate, and into the ruins some kind of ancient temple.  
  
The planet was an average sight for her.  
  
Tall green trees, wildflowers, lots of rocks, clear blue skies, and two suns and a moon peeking through the fluffy clouds.  
  
Wait a minute......Sam did a double take on the sky. She shook her head, and chuckled slightly, bemused at the sight. No matter how much a planet resembled home, there were always a few differences.  
  
Raising her head slightly, her nose detected a wonderful scent on the breeze. Sam walked forward slowly, looking around for the source of the alluring odour. She crouched as the smell intensified, and picked a very pretty flower from the ground. It's petals glistened alluringly in the sunlight. The perfume...what a fragrance...  
  
Feeling light-headed and deliriously happy, she placed the flower in her chest pocket, before strolling after Daniel.  
  
***  
  
Jack O'Neill looked at his 2IC. Usually so attentive and aware, the major was acting very strangely. She stood very still, looking around her, seeming to be disorientated. She then looked at the sky, shook her head and laughed.  
  
* Carter looks like she's away with the fairies...this is gettin a bit weird. * The major wandered across to a patch of flowers, and picked one, before following the doctor to his ruins. *Okay.....never picked her as the daisy-picking type....*  
  
***  
  
Sam wandered across to Daniel, who was fossicking around in the ruined buildings of the Ancients. He excitedly bounced through the deserted streets, examining columns, and taking rubbings of the text carved into them. He looked up as she approached. "Sam! You've gotta see this! It's incredible, their writings have been perfectly preserved! These must be the best examples of Ancient text since when we were on that other ruined planet, pretty similar to this one actually," he literally jumped for joy.  
  
"And, and, and, well they're incredible!" he babbled. She listened listlessly as the doctor began recounting the planet's entire history.  
  
Sam adored Daniel, and loved having him around, he was like a brother really, and she loved having someone to share her theories and discoveries with, but sometimes could just get a little.....*annoying*............and *irritating*..........and there were those lectures he was always giving before missions...........and he was always leaving his gear hanging around offworld............and *then* there were those awful glasses.........  
  
"Sam? Sam, were you listening?" He peered at her, concern written all over his face. Carter looked blankly at him for a moment. "You know you should really think about getting contacts. And while you're at it, do something with your hair," she waved her hand about, before standing up and wandering away.  
  
Daniel stared after her. "Well that was odd," he muttered.  
  
***  
  
Carter walked back to where the colonel and Teal'c were setting up camp. If you could call what she was doing walking. It was more of a hop-step-twirl-jump-getting dizzy-uh oh-watch that branch- *CRASH*  
  
"Uh Carter?" O'Neill watched his 2IC pull herself out of the bushes, sit on the ground, and attempt to clean herself up. A stray twig flopped over her eyes, as she tried to pull her BDUs back into a state of normality.  
  
"Ya alright?" The colonel towered over her. Hang on...two colonels towered over her....  
  
"Um....I'm fine sir.....I think..........Did you happen to grow another head recently?"  
  
She looked at him for a moment, assessing what she saw. "You know, you're actually kinda cute, good strong jawline, and nice eyes," She tilted her head, examining. "But ease off a bit on the aftershave," she nodded descisively, her eyes unfocussed.  
  
Sam stood unsteadily, and tottered off, leaving the colonel to stare after her as if she was growing an extra head herself.  
  
*** "Heya Teal'c!" Carter enthusiastically patted the giant Jaffa's back. He lifted himself from assembling his tent in a small clearing. Raising not just one, but two eyebrows, Teal'c regarded the major.  
  
"MajorCarter, is all well?" Even he hadn't witnessed this level of strange behaviour in the tauri before now.  
  
"I'm fine! Fantabulous! Absolutely positively brilliant!" Carter skipped in circles around the stoic individual. "Come on Teal'cy, play with me!"  
  
Sam raced over the clearing, and picked another flower of the same kind as hers, and put it in Teal'c's front pocket, as the wonderful scent drifted through the glen.  
  
"Major Carter, I am experiencing a strange sense of lightness," Teal'c said slowly, then his face lifted, and he *almost* smiled .  
  
"I believe I wish to participate in this 'play' ritual Major Carter."  
  
***  
  
Daniel approached the campsite, and spotted Jack, who was attempting to gather firewood. The doctor jogged a dozen metres, before reaching the disorientated colonel. "Jack? *Jack*?" Finally O'Neill responded. "Oh, hey Danny." He scrubbed his hands across his chocolate eyes, and winced. "Ugh, what a headache..." Daniel nodded sympathetically. "I had one just ten minutes ago, but it passed pretty quickly. Kinda like a hangover, huh?"  
  
The colonel nodded, before grimacing. "Carter was here a little while ago, she was acting kinda strange. It started just after she left. She must be wearing some strong perfume or something, 'cause this really sweet scent reeked while she was here. Then she wandered off, and the migraine kicked in," Jack rubbed his temples.  
  
Daniel paused, thinking. "Come to think of it, my headache started just after Sam left...Jack did she have a flower in her pocket when you saw her?"  
  
Jack regarded the doc. "Yeah, she did, little pink flower. I saw her pick it earlier," His eyes widened. "You don't think...?" Jackson nodded. "We'd better find her space monkey," he stood, winced again, before setting off with the doctor in tow.  
  
O'Neill suddenly stopped, and his voice lowered conspiratorily. "Danny, I'm gonna ask you something important, but be honest, okay? Tell me straight, don't spare my feelings." Jackson nodded. "Is this aftershave too strong?"  
  
***  
  
"Ring a ring a rosie, a pocket full of posies! Atishoo! Atishoo! We all fall down!"  
  
Two members of the most elite of all the SG teams, respected diplomats for world-to-world relations, and ambassadors for Earth throughout the universe, fell to the ground in an undignified heap, laughing as hard as they could.  
  
"That was most amusing MajorCarter," Teal'c spoke, his voice muffled by the fact his head was buried in the grass. Carter flopped onto her back, on the soft ground. "He, he, you're funny Teal'c!" Sam giggled hysterically. "Let's play again!"  
  
***  
  
Jack and Daniel strode through the scrub, looking for any sign of the wayward major.  
  
As Jack continued on ahead, Daniel spotted movement, out of the corner of his eye. Carefully, he moved towards the motion, to investigate. What he saw made him gasp.  
  
Trying to hide his grin, he called out to the colonel. "Jack, you'd better come take a look at this," Daniel chuckled. O'Neill made his way back to where Daniel stood. The doctor motioned for him to look through the gap in the trees, into the clearing. "What the..." Jack's eyes widened to the size of dinnerplates.  
  
It was indeed a sight to behold. A Kodak moment with a difference!  
  
Sam and Teal'c were dancing in circles, singing all the nursery rhymes they could think of (including the ones in Goa'uld - Teal'c).  
  
Daisy-chains made of the strange alien flowers hung from their necks, arms, ankles, P90's, staff weapons, and radios.  
  
Daniel and Jack crept slowly foreward. Carter was the first to spot the pair.  
  
"Hi Danny! Do you what I think you look like?"  
  
Not waiting for a response, the major continued.  
  
"A hamster! That's what I'll call you; Danny Hamster!" She giggled wildly.  
  
"And now for you sir, what can I call you?" Sam tilted her head, lost balance, and took a nosedive to the dirt.  
  
"Carter, look, quit messin' around! We'll getcha back to base, and ol' doc Fraisier'll fix you up ok?" O'Neill's brows knitted in frustration at his 2IC's antics.  
  
"Yay! I found a name! Grizzly!! Perfect!" The now dirt-grass-flower-water- stick covered Major smiled crookedly.  
  
"Uh, Carter..." O'Neill crouched in front of her, and reached out his hand. "I think I might just take these flowers of ya, ok?" He took a chain of the pink-coloured flora off Carter's P90, and was going to put the unruly flower on the ground, when a strange feeling overcame him.....  
  
*You're not bad looking yourself Major..* O'Neill's mind wandered as he stared at his 2IC's face. *Those eyes...* He leaned closer, just to look... Yeah, that's all he was doing, looking...  
  
"Uh, Jack?" O'Neill snapped out of his thoughts with a jolt, his face inches from Sam's.  
  
"Oh, sooo not bringing back samples of these!" he muttered bashfully, trying to hide his reddening face.  
  
O'Neill slowly stood, and cleared his throat surrupticiously. "Well, er herm, yes...We'll have to get a message back to Hammond to say we'll be a little, er, delayed, getting back...Danny, you wanna come for a walk?"  
  
Jackson glanced at the Jaffa and the USAF officer, both happily making rude noises with grass blades, and nodded furiously.  
  
"They'll be fine on their own, it's not like they can cause too much trouble right?" Daniel looked at Jack for reassurance. O'Neill nodded. "Let's go!"  
  
They walked off towards the direction of the MALP, and the Stargate.  
  
***  
  
*Well that was...er....interesting.. back there,* Jack O'Neill mused as he and the doctor trudged back to where the ancient Stargate stood.  
  
*Wonder what woulda happened if Daniel hadn't interrupted...*  
  
He stopped his thoughts forcefully, but couldn't stop his mind's eye looking into those deep blue eyes again....  
  
Shaking his head forcefully, he walked on.  
  
More coming soon! Promise! R & R, please! StarKate 


	2. Chapter 2 More Madness

I'm so amazed at the response I've had! Wow... This was gonna be a one-off, but if you want more...just warning you now, the contents of this story are likely to cause irreperable twisting of the mind! ^_~  
  
STÅRGATE SG1 rocks, so I write about the characters for fun. Oh how sad does that sound.  
  
This is the off-season of Stargate here in the land of Oz, which just plain sucks. Therefore, I've gotta write about the team, to maintain my healthy levels of mental instability.  
  
Thank you all who reviewed, you're helping me heaps, it's sooo much easier writing when you know people will actually read it! ^ _ ^  
  
Ok, here comes another product of my pretzel-like mind!  
  
Please r&r, and give me all the quirky suggestions you can think of!  
  
StarKate  
  
Offworld Antics 2 - More Madness  
  
"Hey Danny, what's the hold up?" Colonel Jack O'Neill stretched up from his crouched position under a pine tree, and strolled over to Dr Jackson.  
  
"Uh, Jack, you're not gonna like this..." Jackson indicated the DHD, with six symbols pulsing gently with light.  
  
"Try to engage chevron 7." The doctor gestured at Jack.  
  
The colonel complied. Or tried to.  
  
"Damn thing's stuck!" He kicked out at the base of the DHD, before hopping away in pain, and tripping over a shrub.  
  
Finally disentangled, he smoothed out his hair, and waltzed back to Daniel, as cool as cucumber.  
  
Bending over, he examined the damage he'd inflicted on the DHD.  
  
"Wow...I did that?" Just below the control panel was a gaping hole where the metal had been split open, exposing the inner machinery of the alien device.  
  
Daniel peered at the damage, before turning to the colonel, who was currently occupied with flexing his biceps and admiring the rippling muscle.  
  
"Jack, a staff weapon caused this," The doc indicated the scorch marks surrounding the hole. "Strong energy burst, most likely from a Goa'uld weapon." He pretended not to notice O'Neill's downcast expression.  
  
"Well we'd better go get Carter," Jack replied somewhat gruffly. "She'll know how to fix the doohickey."  
  
"We'd better get those flowers away from her first," Daniel smiled cheekily."Let's go Grizzly." He hurried off, leaving a colonel in a very bear-like mood chasing after him.  
  
"Danny!!!"  
  
***  
  
"Ooh look Teal'cy, cute little animals!" Astrophysics genius Samantha Carter beamed in happiness at the small woodland creatures peering out from behind the trees surrounding the clearing that she and the Jaffa occupied.  
  
"Don't be afraid, we won't hurt you," she murmured to the very cute little critter (that closely resembled a rabbit) that was nuzzling at her outstretched hand.  
  
She scooped up the fluffball and almost crushed it to death with a hug.  
  
Peering down into it's pudgy, squashed face, she squealed. "Ooh, how *adorable*!!"  
  
She grabbed the poor creature around it's middle, and held it out to Teal'c. "Come on, pat him Teal'c!"  
  
Teal'c, however, was looking like she was pointing a staff weapon at him.  
  
Going as pale as was possible for a Jaffa, he edged away slowly. "I believe I must decline that...interesting...offer, MajorCarter." He moved another foot back.  
  
"What's wrong Teal'c?" Sam tilted her head and examined him. The creature copied, it's furry little cheeks just peeking out from under Sam's hands.  
  
Slowly, it dawned on the major. "You're *scared* of him!!" She grinned, and waved the critter under Teal'c's nose. "Teal'c is a scaredy cat! Teal'c is a scaredy cat!" She giggled, and twirled around, with the creature hanging on for dear life.  
  
"MajorCarter obviously does not appreciate our presence. Come Junior, we will play elsewhere." Teal'c went and sat on the far side of the glen, murmuring and patting his stomach.  
  
***  
  
Daniel and Jack traipsed through the woods, the only sounds made by either went something like, "Ow!", "Dammit!" "Ah crap!" or everyone's favourite; "Oh #@$&!!"  
  
Finally after around an hour's walking, O'Neill called a rest break.  
  
They both slumped to the ground, pulled off their packs, and rummaged for their water bottles. Both drank deeply, and then reclined in the dappled shade of the forest.  
  
Daniel leaned over and tapped Jack on the shoulder. "You got a spare mouthful?" he pointed at Jack's water canteen.  
  
"Sure," O'Neill relinquished the vessel, and closed his eyes, his hat flopping over his nose, as he leaned against a tree. The warm day and fresh air suddenly had him feeling drowsy. *Siesa here I come...*  
  
"How do you feel about her?" Daniel's question came out of the blue.  
  
"Huh?" Jack pulled the hat out of his eyes. "Feel about who?"  
  
"You know who I mean Jack." Daniel rolled his eyes at the completely fake look of innocence that had been attached to Jack O'Neill's face. "Sam."  
  
"She's a very valuable member of the team." The colonel returned to his position against the tree, the hat once again hiding his face.  
  
"That's what you'd say to the brass. How do you *really* feel?" He stared at the infuriatingly stoic colonel.  
  
"She's a good soldier. Good at what she does. Intelligent too. I dunno how many times she's figured out some alien junk, and saved our asses."  
  
Daniel did an imitation of Teal'c, his eyebrow practically in his hairline. "Are you sure there isn't anything *more*?"  
  
The colonel shrugged, and struggled to his feet. "Don't know what you mean Danny." He shouldered his pack. "Come on, we'd better keep moving."  
  
A resigned Daniel handed him his waterbottle, the metal container clinking as it bumped against Jack's wristwatch. The annoyed archaeologist then walked off into the wood.  
  
Jack paused, removed his pack, and opened it. Just before dropping the bottle into the pack, Jack stopped.  
  
Running his hand over the scratched surface of the canteen, he came to a tiny marking in the bottom corner. Letters, writing. A messily-etched J 4 S scratched by a torn and frustrated colonel.  
  
Sighing, he put the waterbottle in his pack, and set off after Daniel.  
  
***  
  
"Hey cutie," Sam muttered, messing up the rabbit-like creature's fur.  
  
"Who's a cute wittle wabbit?" she cooed.  
  
"I think I'll call you Janet." Sam nodded desicively, sealing the poor critter's fate.  
  
"Janet, I like it." She smiled.  
  
Meanwhile, Teal'c was in a corner of the glen sulking. He patted his stomach, and glared (as much as Teal'c can) at Carter and her rather adorable new companion.  
  
"Do not fear Junior, I prefer your company to that detestable mammal." He reassured the snake.  
  
"Hey, don't you insult Janet!" Sam glared back at Teal'c.  
  
"She's so much better behaved than Junior. Look at that face," she pointed to the alien's very cute and furry features.  
  
"Now *that* adorable thing wouldn't hurt a fly. Whereas, your goa'uld...well...let's just say their breed is a little...tempremental..."  
  
As Samantha Carter continued to point out the faults of the Goa'uld species, she neglected to notice the adorably cute furry critter who sat next to her, was staring at her outstretched fingers, and licking its little pink tongue across a row of rather sharp-looking teeth...  
  
***  
  
"Danny, are we there yet?" Jack whined, dragging his feet.  
  
"Almost," the doc replied, "There's the campsite."  
  
They passed between their already pitched tents, and set their packs on the ground. Jack stretched and yawned, before muttering. "We'd better go check on 'em." Jackson nodded, and they strolled off in the direction of the clearing.  
  
"I wonder what trouble they could have gotten up to while we were gone," Daniel mused.  
  
"Danny, it's a clearing. How much could go wrong?"  
  
Famous last words.  
  
***  
  
I'm writing the next chapter right now, so I won't get you guys too annoyed! _^  
  
This chapter was a little messy, annd not as good as the last i think, but PLEASE tell me what you think of it...  
  
R&R, thanks, StarKate  
  
For my mum who worries someone will steal my work -  
  
© 2003. All stories written by StarKate are original, and are the property of the author alone. No reproduction of any form can be made without the consent of the author. STÅRGATE SG1 and it's characters belong to Michael Greenburg, Richard Dean Anderson, and MGM. 


	3. Chapter 3 Crushes, Critters, and Camoufl...

I'm sooo glad you guys are enjoying this, I'm loving writing it! I tried to get your suggestions in here, so hopefully it's ok...  
  
Thankyou thankyou thankyou to all the people who reviewed, I know it's kind of annoying to do, but it makes writing soo much easier!!  
  
Soz bout the delay in posting this, my creative inspiration had taken a temporary holiday (darn that clause in the contract) but I promise the next chapter is on its way very soon.  
  
BTW, any suggestions on what to do when you and a friend like the same guy greatly appreciated!!!  
  
YAY!! Party time! Stargate's coming back on here tonight! Inspiration for me to write!  
  
***Ok, on with the story, but be warned, cute-creature bashing is contained!! :D I'm enjoying this SJ theme as well, so I'll see what I can do with that...***  
  
Offworld Antics - Chapter 3  
  
- Crushes, Critters and Camoulfague -  
  
The colonel and the doctor wandered through the forest, until the camp was no longer in sight. Suddenly Daniel stopped, causing Jack to let off a round dozen of explicits as the doc's spade hit a rather vulnerable area.  
  
"What the *hell* did you do that for Danny? For your sake make it good," he said hoarsly, eyes watering in agony.  
  
"What? Oh, sorry..I just heard voices, the clearing must be up here somewhere."  
  
The colonel's ranting about psychopathic doctors weilding dangerous weapons only stopped when Carter's voice filtered through the trees.  
  
"Hey, don't you insult Janet!"  
  
O'Neill and Jackson exchanged glances. Daniel silently pointed in the direction, and they crept forewards toward a gap in the trees.  
  
"She's so much better behaved than Junior. Look at that face,"  
  
They caught sight of Sam. She stood near the centre of the clearing, pointing to a small fuzzy creature, which resembled a rabbit.  
  
Jack had to admit, the major had a point. The critter was positively adorable.  
  
White fluffy fur, cute little pink paws, big baby blues, lots of lovely sharp teeth...wait a second-  
  
"Now *that* adorable thing wouldn't hurt a fly. Whereas, your goa'uld...well...let's just say their breed is a little...tempremental..."  
  
"Mood is tense, not a breath of wind, perfect conditions. Checks out the angle, he lines up for the penalty-"  
  
Just as it went to bite down on Sam's tasty looking fingers, O'Neill took three long strides, and kicked the furry feral for six.  
  
"*He scores*!!"  
  
With a squelch, the evil extraterrestrial hit a tree, and peeled itself off. Looking rather dazed and pancake-shaped, it staggered off into the forest.  
  
O'Neill promptly dropped his pack, pulled his shirt over his head, and began running victory-laps.  
  
After bowing sevral times to a nearby tree, and muttering what strangely sounded like, "Thankyou, thankyou, it was nothing truly. Oh no, you're too kind madam," he turned his attention back to his companions, two of which had their eyebrows reaching their hairlines (or where Teal'c's would be), and one of which had a rather soppy look on her face.  
  
"Er herm." He attempted a gruff voice.  
  
"Carter what have I told you about cute looking alien creatures? I mean, Martouf, Orlin, Nareem, and all the rest, don't you *learn?*"  
  
Sam quickly pulled her eyes back into their sockets, and turned them from his very toned midriff which was conveniently exposed by his tangled tshirt, to his pretty darn cute face.  
  
Closing her mouth, her face turned sad and forlorn, "I thought Janet was a good bunny, I didn't know she had those big," lip tremble, "sharp," eyebrows knit, "dangerous," picture of innocence, "teeth..."Her big baby blue eyes filled with tears.  
  
"Oh hay now Carter, don't go crying..." O'Neill looked incredibly uncomfortable and stared at his feet.  
  
"If you take me back to camp, and give me one of those chocolate bars you hide in the bottom of your pack, I won't cry..." Carter batted her eyelashes.  
  
Muttering something which sounded strangely like, "Manipulative females!" and "How did she know about the stash?", the colonel pulled his shirt back to its normal position (Sam's face fell), and grabbed his pack.  
  
"Alright, let's head back to camp." He set off into the trees.  
  
"Uh, Jack?" Daniel hesitantly pointed in the opposite direction.  
  
"I knew that! I was just ...er... checking that critter wasn't coming back!" Nodding to himself, he strode off in the direction of Daniel's finger.  
  
***  
  
"Ooh, is one mine??" squeaked Sam, pointing exitedly at the satndard issue airforce tents.  
  
"Danny, get those flowers away from her," the colonel growled, rubbing his temples. The half and hour trekking back to camp had been unbearable.  
  
Carter had insisted on stopping to pick every one of the strange alien flowers she saw, and no matter how many O'Neill and the doc took away, another would always find its way back into her pocket.  
  
Sam would stop suddenly, sit down on the ground, and watch a butterfly float past her, only to bounce up and sprint foreward as soon as it had passed, giggling and screeching, "All the pretty colours!". Then she kept moaning about poor squashed Janet, and Teal'c bad pet, and Teal'c, taking offence, was trudging along silently, face pouting, and hands patting his stomach.  
  
All in all, both O'Neill and Jackson were very relieved when they finally spotted the camouflague tents flapping slightly in the cool evening breeze.  
  
"How about we all sit down and play something *quiet*?" Jackson finally suggested, after Sam had raced between the tents and decided which one was the nicest, which happened to be his, and had begun to put the perfume- filled flowers all over it.  
  
"But, wait...Grizzly promised chocolate if we came back...where is it?" She stopped decorating the tent, and stamped her foot impatiently.  
  
"Its coming Carter, hold on." O'Neill groaned as his knees protested, and slowly made his way to his tent. Rummaging around for a few seconds, he produced two chocolate bars.  
  
"Now, one each. But," as Sam's hand made a grab for the tempting treats, "you have to give me all your flowers." He wiggled the chocolate inticingly.  
  
Slowly the pair began to pull flowers off themselves. The alluring fragrance increased as the plants were taken from the most unlikely places. On radios, in clip pockets, in the barrel of Carter's P90, one trailing from around Teal'c's head, and O'Neill could have sworn he saw Sam produce one from under her black tshirt.  
  
Shaking his head hurridly to clear some VERY innappropriate thoughts, the colonel gave them a stern look. "Is that *all*?"  
  
Five more appeared on the pile.  
  
"Good. Now you can have chocolate."  
  
Teal'c and Carter's faces lit up and they bit into the gooey goodness.  
  
In less than a minute, their faces adorned with brown smudges and gigantic smiles, Sam and the Jaffa handed back the empty wrappers to O'Neill.  
  
Daniel, clucking about messy children, bustled over and wiped their hands and faces. Satisfied the pair were spotless, he turned to the colonel.  
  
"What do you think Jack? Do we take turns guarding them, swap at dawn? Or-"  
  
"I don't think that's necessary Danny." O'Neill pointed. Sam and Teal'c were both looking rather drowzy. Carter yawned, stretched, and closed her eyes, before curling up into a ball on the ground. Teal'c quickly followed suit.  
  
"Can you take Teal'c Daniel?" The doctor nodded, and the two tiptoed across to Sam and Teal'c.  
  
O'Neill scooped up Sam, and carried her to her tent. He undid the outside, and gently placed Sam inside. Unzipping her sleeping bag, he placed her into it, and made sure she was comfortable.  
  
"Hopefully, once you get some sleep, you be able to tackle that nasty DHD," he murmured, as he gently pulled a flower from her hair. "But sleep now, ok?"  
  
Carter closed her eyes. "You saved my fingers from bad Janet." Smiling sleepily, she muttered, "My hero. Grizzly." Curling up tighter in her sleeping bag, she soon fell asleep.  
  
Jack leaned over and gently kissed her temple. "Sweet dreams," he murmured.  
  
Quietly he made his way outside, and closed the tent behind him.  
  
***  
  
Ok, I need your opinion on this, how was it? Thank you so much everyone who has been helping, especially the reviewers! You guys are fantastic! More is coming soon, I promise :) 


	4. Chapter 4 Migraines, MixUps, and Memorie...

I'm trying to live up to what I said about posting more quickly, so I'm going to get this on Fanfic ASAP.  
  
Soz for the long delay, I went on a big skiing trip (and froze what braincells I had left).  
  
Do you still want me writing this? What needs changing?? Advise me! Jaffa kree!  
  
Sorry.  
  
Jerst a little carried away there.  
  
Anyway, I'll get on with it. :)  
  
Reviewers, you guys rock. Thanks for the support.  
  
***  
  
Offworld Antics Chapter 4  
  
Migraines, Mix-Ups, and Memories -  
  
Oh agony, agony, agony... She rolled over, burrowed further under the warm covers, and tried to ignore her pounding head.  
  
*Just a few more hours sleep...* Maybe then the hangover wouldn't be so bad...  
  
God, it must have been some night...She hadn't been this trashed in years!  
  
Just as long as nothing...er...happened...with anyone. Uh-oh... She blushed crimson. This could NOT be good...  
  
Reaching out a hand, she patted the blankets, searching for another body. *It wouldn't be so bad,* she mused, *If he looked like David Boreanaz, or Heath Ledger, or that gorgeous biology teacher in high school...mm...deep brown eyes...*  
  
But then a terrible thought occurred.  
  
*Hey, when you're drunk, every guy looks like that gorgeous biology teacher you had in high school! Only a little older...with silvery grey hair...Oh dear...*  
  
The searching became more frantic.  
  
Finding nothing, she sighed, relieved. *Phew...but I wonder what DID happen?*  
  
And just who had put her to bed!? She was never this neat when she was drunk...  
  
Searching back into the depths of her memory, she tried to recall what the hell had happened in the last 24 hours.  
  
A handful of memories came to her. Rubbing her temples, she tried to make some sense of them.  
  
A bright sunny day, pretty wildflowers, sun, warmth, happiness, two moons...hang on...  
  
She massaged her temples. *Really* drunk...  
  
A tall guy, with glasses, babbling about something, pointing at some ruined buildings. *He needs to lose the glasses...*  
  
Dancing with a reeally tall guy, with a weird stamp on his forehead. Landing on the ground, with those pretty flowers all around...  
  
A cute little rabbit, with big blue eyes, staring up at her adorably, oh, and those lovely sharp teeth, *Hold on, that's not good!* Hello handsome...veeery nice...brown eyes too...cute butt... The rabbit-like critter went flying, and the stranger lifted his t-shirt over his head, showing off a nicely toned stomach...  
  
Ok, next memory...  
  
Chocolate, lots and lots of chocolate...Mmm, god it was good...Smearing it all over herself, and the glasses guy wiping it off, spoiling the fun...  
  
Finally drowzing...  
  
Being picked up, taken to her bed, and tucked in...  
  
She struggled with her thoughts. There was something else, she knew it...  
  
A gentle pressure on her forehead, like a kiss.  
  
She shook her head quickly, then winced.*That wasn't smart...*  
  
Ok, that last memory WAS a figment of her alcohol-induced imagination.  
  
Shame really.  
  
Deciding that she'd have to open her eyes sooner or later, she steeled herself. Ok, one eye at a time. Slowly...  
  
Argh! Bright, ooh pain, agony... Wait a second. She risked a fleeting glance. Since when was her bedroom ceiling green? And so low... And when did her bedcovers get a zip? Hold on a second...  
  
She opened her eyes, and blinked rapidly. A tent...a sleeping bag...  
  
Oh crap...  
  
The mission!  
  
She remembered arriving on the planet, but what happened after that? God, hopefully nothing embarrassing...She had seen the colonel packing a camera...  
  
Groaning, she unzipped her sleeping bag, noticed she was still fully clothed (small mercy), and proceeded to tackle her tent zip.  
  
Finally succeeding, she dared to poke her head out.  
  
Argh! The light! Melting! Melting, melting...gurgle...  
  
***  
  
Ok, I'm writing the next chapter now, so please don't despair! Soz, again, for the delay...  
  
Please review, I need help! And not just for my psychotic mind, either. Any and all suggestions appreciated. Flames are good, less of them are even better! Please tell me what you think. : ) 


	5. Chapter 5 Grapes, Garages, and Gizmos

Hello creatures! Only a few more chapters I think...  
  
I'm hurrying with this, so I can post it fast.  
  
Any problems, queries, suggestions, anything, just send me an email - sky_fly1@hotmail.com.  
  
Keep reviewing! Please!  
  
Ok, ok, I'll get on with it.  
  
This is seen from a coupla POVs, but bear with me, plz! ***  
  
- Grapes, Garages, and Gizmos -  
  
"Mornin' Carter!"  
  
"*HOW* can he be cheerful!?" Sam muttered, clutching her head, and groaning.  
  
She stumbled foreward, and spotting her pack, began throwing gear randomly out of it, whispering feverishly, "Caffeine, *caffeine!*" Finally her hands came to rest on a small container of instant coffee.  
  
Sam kissed the container fervently, praising all the gods and false gods in the universe.  
  
Grabbing a mug, she poured some hot water from the boiling kettle, and unscrewed the lid to the coffee jar.  
  
"How much..." she mused, shaking out the granuals into her mug. "Ah, what the hell!" She emptied the entire container.  
  
She found a good spot to sit and savour the caffeine-enriched substance, and curled up on the ground.  
  
Daniel hesitantly approached, only to stop when greeted with, "No! Stay away! My coffee! All mine! My precious..." Sam stroked the mug, giggling insanely, her pupils the size of pinpricks.  
  
***  
  
"Mornin' Carter!" O'Neill spotted his 2IC emerging from her tent, looking a little worse-for-wear.  
  
*God, the headache she must have after those flowers...* he winced sympathetically. *It was bad enough for me...that's gotta hurt...*  
  
The major's hair resembled a harrassed porcupine, her clothes were wrinkled enough to send an iron running away screaming, and she looked as gaunt and tired as he'd ever seen her. In fact, the only time he'd seen her come close to resembling this er...fashion statement... was after one of the SGC's Christmas parties. One too many cups of highly alcoholic punch... He'd driven her home, and put her to bed on her couch. Jack knew she'd be annoyed if she threw up on her new bedspread.  
  
***  
  
The Christmas Party  
  
Actually, a drunk Carter was rather interesting to watch. She'd started spouting off some techno gibberish, mixed it up, tried to go back and fix it, and end up confusing herself completely. Thing is, he couldn't tell the difference when she changed things anyway.  
  
So he'd just stood there, looking into her very fascinating, if rather unfocussed, blue-grey eyes. Carter didn't mind, she had a captive audience, even if he didn't understand a word of what she was talking about.  
  
Then she had begun giggling, and asked him to dance. He'd tried to get out of it. Dancing in public was definately not his thing. But she insisted, drunkenly pouting, and accusing him loudly of spoiling all her fun.  
  
So he gave in. But they got to the crowded dance floor, and he'd just hesitantly held out his hand to take her outstretched one when-  
  
"Where's the bathroom?!" she ran, stumbling, to the ladies toilets. Following five minutes of rather interesting sound-effects, he'd grabbed his car keys and Carter's handbag. When she'd appeared at the doorway, looking slightly green, he'd helped her out the door, muttering a goodbye to Daniel and Teal'c, walked awkwardly down the hallway, a hand around her waist to stop her falling, and impatiently waited for the lift. Finally reaching the surface, he guided her to his car, and helped her into the back. Getting into the driver's seat, he started the engine, and drove out of Cheyenne Mountain, to Carter's house.  
  
Pulling up outside her place, he glanced in the rearview mirror, smiling slightly at what he saw. She had fallen asleep, curled up across the seats, looking very angelic, golden hair framing her peaceful face.  
  
Sighing involutarily, he got out of the car, opened the back, scooped her up, and gently walked to her front door. Then scrabbling around in her bag, he retrieved her keys, opened the door, walked into the living room, and lay her on the couch, still fast asleep.  
  
As quietly as he could, he grabbed some blankets from her room, and took them back to the couch. He unfolded one, and began tucking it around her, before laying the other over her. As he walked across the room to grab his car keys, he heard a soft, sleepy voice.  
  
"Sir?" Her eyes, unfocussed from fatigue, stared up at him.  
  
"Yeah, it's me, Carter." He took the few steps back across the room, to stand beside her.  
  
Crouching next to her, he said, "You should try to get some sleep, you're gonna have one hell of a headache tomorrow morning."  
  
She nodded, and yawned.  
  
"Thankyou for bringing me home," she smiled.  
  
He smiled back. "Anytime."  
  
Suddenly, she began leaning towards him. Her brilliant eyes luring him. Years of obeying the regulations made him resist. Should he? Why not? But it could ruin her career...  
  
His mind battled his heart, a furious internal conflict. Just as her face was inches from his, he turned away.  
  
"We shouldn't do this." He stood up, masking the regret that was burning inside.  
  
"I'll see you tomorrow Carter." He turned and walked out, closing the front door behind him.  
  
~~~  
  
The next day, she turned up to work on time as normal, but looking like the ghost of Christmas hangovers. Dark circles under her eyes, hair a mess, clothes unruly.  
  
They'd passed each other in the hallway, on the way to a briefing. He'd forgotten to bring his mission folder, and so he was rushing back to his office.  
  
He attempted to appear normal, giving her a sardonic smile and his usual, "Hey Carter!"  
  
She returned the greeting, and appeared completely normal, appart from the hang-over. No awkwardness, no lack of eye-contact, no, "Uh, Sir, about last night..."  
  
It hit him. She didn't remember. Relief and regret flooded him, he couldn't tell which he felt more. Of course, why hadn't he thought of that? She was drunk and tired at the time, and she probably didn't remember much after the first drinks.  
  
Just to make sure, he hesitantly said, "How's your head Carter? Did you sleep alright on the couch?"  
  
He recieved a quick smile for his trouble. "Yes Sir. Daniel told me you drove me home. Thanks." She rubbed her temples. "I can't remember anything after running for the bathroom. It's all hazy..."  
  
Lowering her hands, she caught sight of her watch.  
  
"We'd better run, we're late for the briefing!"  
  
They sprinted down the hall, narrowly avoiding a collision with an airman.  
  
***  
  
They'd come close that time. Too close. They had walked that fine line between friendship and something more, and so nearly stepped over.  
  
He sighed quietly, before focussing on what was happening around him.  
  
Carter had sat down under a tree, clutching a steaming mug of coffee. Daniel, unable to help himself, crept across and tried to steal the mug.  
  
"Please Sam! You finished off all the coffee! I'm desperate! I need caffeine! Just a sip!" he wailed, grovelling at the major's feet.  
  
In answer, Carter growled at him, hunched protectively over the mug, and began muttering, "Mine, all mine!" She giggled hysterically.  
  
"Oookay..." O'Neill raised an eyebrow, Teal'c style. *Must be a scientist thing...*  
  
He walked across to the pair, and snatched the cup out of Sam's hands. Holding it out of their reach, he shook his head at them. They both stood on tip-toes, vainly trying to grab it out of his hands. "No more coffee for you two," he said sternly. Their frantic attempts increased. "Unless you share." Spotting some grapes sticking out of Carter's pack, he walked over, and plucked them out. "How about some healthy food for a change?" Daniel, suffering the effects of caffeine withdrawal, kicked Jack in the shin. With a yelp, the colonel dropped the mug, and started hopping around, clutching his leg.  
  
A rather interesting collection of explicates followed the colonel bouncing around the campsite, until, it became muffled as he tripped over a tent pole, and got tangled in the tent. Meanwhile Daniel was licking the inside of the mug, trying vainly to get the last drips of coffee. Sam was running after the colonel, and began wrestling the wriggling form on the ground. "You'll pay!!"  
  
*** Ok, more soon, I promise!!! Please tell me what you think! Any suggestions very much appreciated!! 


	6. Chapter 6 Snakes, Seltzers, and Stargate...

Well today is a little, well how can I put this....HOT!!! My brain is almost to the mush stage, so I thought I'd better type this out before I have no brain at all...  
  
I had a big argument with a really good friend of mine yesterday. Therefore I dedicate this to her, and hope that she accepts my sincere apologies. We shouldn't fight over a stupid mistake.  
  
WARNING - If this is total and complete nonsense (and if you're reading this story what else can you expect) then for god's sake tell me! Any suggestions, opinions, queries, anything, tell me. : )  
  
PS - I beg mercy for the delay in posting.....(ducks as objects are thrown). Bad StarKate, bad!   
  
Ok, lets get on with the fun!  
  
***  
  
- Snakes, Seltzers, and Stargates -  
  
O'Neill finally managed to disentangle himself from the tent, after Carter's frenzied and coffee-induced attack. After several minutes of Carter growling menacingly as she clawed at his clothing, he decided on a strategy. The only way to stop the wayward Major, he found, was to pin her to the ground. She did not appreciate this, groaning as her head bumped the ground. Unfortunately, the colonel only realised after pinning her, just where exactly his hands were.  
  
Pulling away like he had been burnt, he proceeded to blush, and muttered an apology. Carter, paying no attention whatsoever to his reaction, had curled into a ball, moaning and clutching her head.  
  
"Oh my head....aspirin, seltzers, chocolate, anything!!" Forgetting in an instant her actions of only a few minutes ago, he rushed to his pack, and searched for anything that could help Carter. "Damn!" No chocolate left, she and Teal'c had cleaned him out the day before.  
  
Digging deeper, he found his first-aid kit. Unzipping the small case, he fingered through the contents. "Aha!" Well they weren't aspirin, but seltzers would have to do.  
  
Grabbing his water canteen, he walked back over to where Carter lay, passing Teal'c comforting a distraught Daniel, who was clutching the empty coffee container. "Why did it have to be my Nescafè?? Why not the tea, or the hot chocolate?? Then my poor coffee could have been spared this, this," - at this point sobbing into Teal'c's shoulder, as the Jaffa awkwardly pats his back - "monstrous fate!"  
  
The colonel shook his head, smiling bemusedly, as he paced across the camp.  
  
Carter lay next to the collapsed tent, moaning softly. He gently helped her sit up, supporting her back as he offered her the canteen and several seltzer tablets.  
  
After taking several huge gulps of water to cover the taste of the tablets, Carter glanced up at her CO. "Uh sir...sorry about the whole er...attacking you thing." She blushed slightly. "Nothing I can't handle Carter." He gave her his trademark O'Neill smile, and she responded with a smile of her own. This smile didn't last long, however, as the headache intensified. She groaned, before muttering through clenched teeth, "Sir, SGC, infirmary, please." The colonel's brow knitted. "Carter, the headache'll pass. Just give it a little time. But we can't get you back to base, the DHD's broken, remember?" He got a moan as response. "Carter, the sooner it's fixed, the sooner we can get you out of here." This time he got a moan and a nod. Taking that as an affirmative to the Major being willing to fix the DHD, O'Neill crouched beside her, put a hand under her knees, and one around her back, and lifted her.  
  
Turning slightly to face the stoic Jaffa and the distraught doctor, O'Neill called out, "Hey, T. Me and Carter are gonna go take a look at the DHD. Keep an eye on Danny for me will ya?" Teal'c nodded, as he stuck a hand into his jacket. A several moments of searching, he triumphantly produced a sky blue tablecloth-sized hankerchief decorated with bright orange polkadots. This he handed to Jackson.  
  
Blinking rapidly to get rid of the neon orange spots dancing in front of his eyes, O'Neill set off out of the camp.  
  
***  
  
The colonel and his somewhat under-the-weather major had been wandering through the forest for some time. Unfortunately for the colonel, however chivalrous and dashing carrying Carter to the Gate may have seemed at the time, reality was slightly less picturesque...  
  
"D'oh!" "What sir?" "Low tree branch."  
  
2 minutes later...  
  
"Ah crap!" "Sir?" "Thorns, lots and lots of thorns..."  
  
Scarcely 30 seconds later...  
  
"Oopsie daisy..." "Sir?" "Just a log, hit my toe." "Ok sir. Wait a second...did you just say oopsie daisy?!" "Er...no...the seltzers have gone straight to your head...yeah, that's it..."  
  
And around 4 minutes later...  
  
"Son of a...." "Uh, sir?" "Lousy trees, dropping pinecones!"  
  
And the piece te resistance...  
  
"Um sir..." "Wait a second Carter, I'm trying to get past this shrub." "Sir?" "Almost past it...gotta watch those thorns." "Sir, this is important," "Watch your head on that tree Carter." "Sir!!" "WHAT Carter!?" "I think I'm gonna be-"  
  
He never did find out the end of that sentence...  
  
10 minutes later, after cleaning Carter up, and doing his best to get all the vomit bits out of his boots and off his shirt, O'Neill finally straightened up, and scanned their surroundings. They were in a small clearing. The alluring flowers were dotted around the space, and small shrubs and saplings stood around the edges.  
  
Checking his watch, the colonel nodded to himself. Turning to his now slightly green-tinged Major, he gestured in the gate's direction.  
  
"We have about a k more to walk that way." Carter nodded, and slowly got up off the ground.  
  
"I'll walk if you want a rest Sir," she spoke up.  
  
In truth however, she didn't mind being carried by him, if you discounted the branches hitting her head, the terrible jokes and the colourful explitives. Ok, so the jokes weren't that bad, and being that close to him, well, normally there wasn't an excuse for it, and he smelt so good... Actually, he had smelt so good. The incident with the vomit had made his jacket smell quite a bit, but not exactly the type of smell she was looking for...  
  
O'Neill's brows knitted in concern. "You sure you're right to walk?"  
  
She nodded, then deciding that that was not so intelligent, replied, "Yes Sir."  
  
Jack checked her over, and finding nothing seriously wrong, let her walk. Yet he always stayed close enough to lend her some support if she needed it. *Any excuse to wrap your arm around that waist and look into her eyes, O'Neill,* he mentally berated himself. Lost in a moment of fantasy, he didn't happen to see the tree he was walking straight at...  
  
"Sir, watch out!" Too late.  
  
"Ugh, my dose....Carder, pass bee da backpack, I deed tissues..."  
  
***  
  
20 minutes later, the colonel's bleeding had almost stopped, but Sam suspected it was broken. She had taped tissues around it as a precaution, as well as bracing the bridge of O'Neill's nose. With the pink medical tissues, soaked in blood, taped to him, the colonel closely resembled Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.  
  
Carter wisely didn't tell him this. However, she did happen to 'accidently' take several pictures of him with her camera, when he wasn't watching of course. Guess what Janet was getting on the front of her christmas card this year... Carter grinned evilly to herself.  
  
"Uh, sir, are you all right to walk?" "I'b fine. You're da sick one here." The colonel got to his feet and pulled on the backpack. "Cob on Carder."  
  
The two continued on to the DHD, Jack nursing his nose, Carter handling her hangover.  
  
***  
  
Half an hour later they finally reached the 'Gate. Sam wandered over to the DHD, and began examining the damage from the suspected staff blast.  
  
Jack, getting bored of watching his 2IC marvelling over the wonders of a bunch of wires, took a walk around the clearing the Stargate was in. With the enormous amount of Kleenex attached to his face, he failed to notce the large rock in front of him... "Woahhh......Ugh crab!" ...and landed in an enormous patch of those wonderous and alluring flowers.  
  
Cursing that 'damn waste ob sbace' flora, O'Neill gingerly checked for broken bones. Finding nothing injured but his pride, he tried to get to his feet. Suddenly, he sank back down among the flowers. How could he be angry at these? They smelt so damn good... Picking a small amount and bunching them into a bouquet, he got up and hurried back to the major, who had her hands in the DHD, fixing circuits. "I'll be done in a couple of hours sir, there's not too much damage," she glanced up, and did a double-take.  
  
O'Neill stood over her, holding out a hand. Helping her up, he proceeded to bow, then present the flowers to her. Carter felt suddenly light-headed. "Ooh, for me?" she giggled slightly and accepted them. "Yeah sure ya betcha," the colonel handed them over before waggling his eyebrows suggestively over the tissues. "That is so swee-eeeee!!" Sam had unfortunately left her shoelaces untied. She grabbed Jack's arm to steady herself, but ended up pushing him over, landing in a very compromising position.  
  
"Well, uh, sir....hey, that tickles!" she giggled. Jack removed his head from Carter's stomach where it had landed. "I said, 'Well this ish interesting,', and what habe I told you about giggling!" This caused more. O'Neill sat up. "Can I helb you wiff your boobs? Uh...I mean boods, yeah boods..." he gestured to her laces. "Well, sir," Sam sat up and batted her eyelashes at him. "This vest is awfully tight...maybe you can help me with that too," Big blue eyes....  
  
Without thinking, he leaned forward and proceeded to kiss the major. Stopping for breath, he waited for the slap from his 2IC, but was shocked when she grabbed him by the collar and began doing some kissing of her own. Not that he was complaining.  
  
But just as they paused for breath, the 'Gate engaged.  
  
Cursing every god and false god he could think of, O'Neill scrambled to his feet, and tried to neaten his clothes, folowed by a rather dishevelled Carter.  
  
As she pulled some of the pretty flowers from her hair, a figure emerged from the event horizon.  
  
"Oh my lord, what an adorable planet! My little jaffa will simply love the dècor!"  
  
The goa'uld stepped away from the Stargate as a dozen Jaffa exited, all carrying the mark of.....  
  
The goa'uld pulled his purple and leopard print cloak along behind him, making sure his fluorescent pink alligator skin boots didn't get dirty. As he adjusted his neon green cow-print cowboy hat, both Jack and Sam gasped.  
  
"Urghhhh!! Abobphish!!" "Arghhhh!! Fake fur!!"  
  
***  
  
Well the supreme man of evil is back in action, and now has a taste for leopard print... Tune in next time for more weird and wacky events! Please R & R; comments, suggestions, fashion tips.... StarKate. 


	7. Chapter 7 Hamsters, Hardhats, and Hindsi...

Well after a break that was waaaay too long, and very frustrating for all of you recruited lunatics out there, the Supreme Queen of Madness is back with another instalment of Offworld Antics!!

You all have full right to complain about the amount of time it took to update, curse me, set voodoo dolls in my image, send me flames, and do what you will, but I thought I owed you and end to this story (but this isn't it). Maybe 2 or 3 more chapters.

I haven't been into for about 8 months, and just hadn't been motivated to write. My muse had taken a holiday, and was refusing to come back dammit! But that's all my fault, and I can only say sorry, many many times.

And I promise to never leave an update for that long ever again, or you all have permission to set Janet on me; pancake-rabbit version….

Big thankyou to a review that appeared in my Inbox from LiRA, and gave me a reminder that I owed a lot of people an update. So here is!

Well where we left our tale last time, our fearless heroes had been looking forward to heading back home for some well-earned hangover cures, when the mother of all fashion disasters happened to appear. The master of ultimate evilness, ABOBPHISH!!! …Er herm… little outta practice here…APOPHIS!!!

And I wonder why people say I use too many Jack-O'Neill-isms.

Without further ado, back to the story…

Offworld Antics Chapter 7

- Hamsters, Hard-Hats, and Hindsight -

As the All-Powerful Apophis tapped his leather-clad boots impatiently, hands on hips, his Jaffa assembled themselves into what resembled a guard of honour.

Sam and Jack blinked rapidly, looked at one another, blinked again, and looked back. There was something very wrong with this scene… They stared with horror at the shocking and all-round unnatural sight that faced them.

The huge, burly, 6-foot something Jaffa were dressed in Playboy-bunny style outfits, complete with fishnet tights, bowtie, bob-tails, ears, and the finishing touches, sequined clip-on earrings. Think Arnie meets Bridget Jones .

O'Neill backed away, dropping the coloured flowers to the ground, and casting a horrified look at the pink leotards that could not completely conceal liberal amounts of chest-hair.

"Its de fillage people all ober again!"

Turning to his 2IC, who was staring avidly at the scantily clad Jaffa, he cleared his throat noisily. "Erm herm herm. Carder, we deed to wifdraw to a safer position. Carder... Carder, are you listening to bee?"

Sam finally snapped out of her trance long enough to whine, "But I'm waiting for the one who wears the hard hat, and short shorts…"

"But we deed to run!"

Sam sat down, crossed her legs, and stuck her bottom lip out. "I want the hard-hat and short shorts."

"But, but…"

Her lower lip began to tremble dangerously, her face scrunched up.

"Ah crab…" Jack covered his ears with his hands.

Too late…

"I want short shorts!!!"

Carter's eyes welled with tears.

Still suffering the after-effects of the flora, O'Neill straightened his back, puffed out his chest and chin, and put his fist to his heart. Patriotic music, flag flapping in the breeze. 

"If you really wand shord shords Carder, for the goob of da mission, Earf and the Uniberse, I will sacrifice myselv for you."

Carter's face lit up with glee.

"But right now, we hab to get back to camp, abd warn Danny, and Deelk."

Jack took a glance back at Apophis, who was inspecting his Jaffa, occasionally smacking one on the behind with a lilac riding crop, and muttered, "And maybe deh fashion police, while we're ad id…"

After 20 minutes of walking through the forest back to camp, all the flowers had been removed from both the colonel and major.

As their headaches lessened, an awkward silence settled, as they both remembered the events in the clearing before the arrival of the Goa'uld striptease.

As O'Neill took the lead, pushing his way through the bushes, Sam trailed behind him, internally kicking herself.

God, what were you thinking? Yeah, blame the flowers for it all, but they weren't what made you kiss him! The major's expression darkened.

What kind of insanity makes you say, "This vest is awfully tight...maybe you can help me with that too"!? What's next?

"Ooh, Colonel, can you help me with my nasty, heavy pack, and flex your big, strong muscles for me?"?!

"Who wears camouflage any more? I'll just jazz this tired old uniform up with a pair of Gucci stilettos and a Prada flower print skirt. Perfect for all occasions!"??

"Sir, can you show me all your bright shiny badges so I can gasp at you manliness and blink my big blue eyes at you?"??

"Oh, I won't open up this heavy, and like so last-fashion-year décor DHD, I might break a nail!"!?!

"Jackey-poo, it's awfully hot in this uniform, would you mind taking it off for me?"!?!?

What happened to feminism? What happened to Sam Carter, capable USAF officer?? How many years have you worked to get respect from all the macho military males, and then you blow it by making out with your superior officer! How long have you worked to get respect from him!?

Her mind wandered back to when they first met. Jack O'Neill had been less than happy at the appointment of a tomboy scientist Captain to his team. He was also very sceptical regarding her ability. She had retaliated with as much insubordination as she dared, stating with pride her hours clocked during the first Gulf War, and stating she thought she was worthy of her position at the SGC. This had rendered him speechless for a moment.

And so their tenuous working relationship began.

Sam paused for a moment. Did he ever respect you? Now you've probably just confirmed to him that you're just another ditzy airhead blonde, with a flair for astrophysics! No self-control, no restraint, that's what he thinks of you!

Sam felt a tightening in her chest. How much teamwork, mutual respect, friendship, had she ruined? But hopefully he wouldn't work out what had really motivated her to kiss him. She couldn't even think about what had made her do that. No one could know what she hid inside, especially him.

A Day Unlike Any Other

It had happened about two months before the Zatarc incident. She had a fortnight's leave due, and was taking it at the end of the week.

Sam had been talking to one of the infirmary nurses during a pre-mission medical. They had got onto the subject of her leave, and she had mentioned that she would be going to stay with her brother, Mark, and his family, for a week.

Just as she was talking about her nephew and niece, Colonel O'Neill stormed into the infirmary, forcing the door into the wall. Hearing her conversation with the nurse, he curtly asked the woman to leave.

Left in the infirmary alone with Carter, the colonel had turned to her, and in a tightly controlled manner, asked her what she had been doing. She replied, confused, that she'd been having her medical for the mission scheduled later that day. He asked what she had been talking about, in that same mechanical fashion. A little annoyed, she said she had been discussing her brother's children with the nurse.

O'Neill's control slipped. No longer restraining himself, he began tearing strips off the major, eyes as cold and hard as steel. He fired questions at her shocked face without waiting for a reply.

Did she know that her gossiping had made her five minutes late for a briefing? Did she realize that she was here to get a job done? Did she see that by not staying focussed, she was failing as an officer? She had the lives of others in her hands on a daily basis, she needed to concentrate, she was letting them down!

She stood and took this barrage in a daze of disbelief. What had she done to get him this angry with her? What he was shouting about couldn't be the only cause.

Slowing momentarily, the Colonel regarded his 2IC, and reverted to that painfully controlled voice. Quietly, he said that if she could not longer do her duty, then she should stop playing at being an officer. If she wasn't fit for her job, that she shouldn't bother turning up to the mission that afternoon, he didn't want her in his team. It was her choice.

With that last flat sentence falling like lead between them, he strode out the infirmary door, slamming it shut behind him. The harsh noise reverberated off the walls, fading, until there was only silence.

That silence followed her as she walked to the briefing room. Personnel, who no doubt heard the shouting, avoided her eyes in the corridor.

The silence engulfed her as she sat through the briefing, automatically prepared her pack, went to the armoury, and joined the team in the gateroom. It never left through the three-hour mission.

But as she exited the Gate, put her gear away, and entered the women's locker room, it dissipated, leaving her with her own thoughts crying out. Telling her over and over what he had said.

The tears came then, one by one rolling down her cheeks, as she stood holding her locker door. Slowly she slid down the thin metal door, and sat on the floor, crying quietly in the darkness.

Janet had walked in the door. She had softly called out Sam's name, before spotting her on the ground. Without another word, the doctor walked over and wrapped her arms around Sam.

Janet told her that she had overheard her earlier conversation with Colonel O'Neill, and had thought she might have been upset. But then she asked the question. Quietly, Janet had said, "There's something more to why you're hurt, isn't there? Something between you and him?"

It had all come out. Her feelings for him, her guilt that she felt this way, the problems with the military and their team if anything happened, her fear that he felt the same way, and her stronger fear that maybe he didn't. The damage to their careers if she told him. Her anger and frustration at the Colonel, and her lack of understanding at why he was so angry with her.

They had stayed there together, talking, until no more tears would come.

The next day she discovered it had been Charlie's birthday.

Jack risked a glance back at his second-in-command. Her golden head was bowed, eyes averted.

Obviously not in the mood to talk, he thought sarcastically. Dammit, O'Neill, what have you done?!

He hit out at an unsuspecting bush that was in his way, before pulling away his hand quickly, whimpering in pain. Thorns, lots of thorns…

Then again he deserved it. The pain, the silence from her. After his actions earlier, he deserved a court martial.

He'd come so close to ruining her career. Hell, he'd risked their team. The feeling of a family, of safety within SG1, the freedom and respect between them all and especially between him and Carter, was that over?

Another innocent bush got sideswiped. No!

It rebounded in his face. He took another look at the pathetic, spindly excuse for flora, glared at it and moved on.

These things reminded him strongly of Harry Maybourne; they were sharp, sneaky, losing their foliage on top, and would come back to hit you when you were least expecting it.

The colonel returned to his depressing train of thought. The team was all that had kept him going in the past few years. It had given him back confidence in himself and the human race. I'm not losing that again.

But what he didn't want to admit was that given the choice, he would have done the same damn thing again. The flowers were just an excuse to act upon feelings that he'd denied and suppressed.

O'Neill knew that she wouldn't report what had happened. She was loyal to her team. But he wondered how she felt about what had happened.

Probably thinks you're like all the other military jerks she's come across, Jack's mind taunted. The ones who think women should be at home watching Jerry Springer and Days of Our Lives, and darning socks.

His stomach turned over. He had to know what she thought.

Only one way to find out…

He took a swing at a low branch for good measure.

Sam observed her commanding officer beating up the local flora. In the last few minutes' reflection, she had realized that she needed to know just what the hell was going through his head, and whether he actually thought of her as an officer, not just as a blonde bimbo.

Get your courage together Carter, she breathed in, and opened her mouth to speak.

At that exact moment the colonel stopped, and turned.

Not quite meeting each other's eyes, they both started speaking rapidly in unison.

"Colonel I just want you to-"

"Carder, I deed do say sumbthing-"

They both smiled, before the awkward mood set in again.

Clearing her throat, Sam gestured at his face. "Um, Sir, do you want me to take that off?"

He nodded fervently. "Ugh Gob yesh! I can'd sbeak like dish."

She closed the gap between them, and gently began removing the blood-soaked tissues and medical tape.

He winced a few times as the tape pulled at his already bruised and battered nose, but had his hands batted away when he tried to help. As the last of the tissues came off, Carter hid a grin.

"Sir, you're going to have two spectacular black eyes. But you might need to think of a story to explain them, instead of telling everyone you ran into a tree…" At this point she started giggling.

"Maybe I can say that I broke it to Teal'c that Barbara Streisand and the Tellitubbies won't ever rule the Universe together…" O'Neill mused aloud, causing more giggles.

"Or maybe that I insulted his Elton John tribute outfit, you know the one he wore to the last base Christmas party?" By now Carter was laughing uncontrollably.

"Ah, no," Jack waved a finger at her, "No giggling allowed Carter!"

She managed a "Yes, sir," before composing herself, and suggesting that they continue back to the camp.

He nodded, but as she came past him, he caught her arm and held it.

"About earlier-" She went to interrupt. "Hear me out Carter. Please."

Sam nodded.

"I know that flower was what made us act strange, but I still want you to know that I'm sorry about what happened. Are we still ok?" The last sentence was almost whispered, as if he were afraid of the answer.

Carter nodded again. "I'm sorry too. None of this has to leave the planet Colonel."

He smiled slightly. "Our little secret?"

"Yes sir. But," Sam hesitated. "Sir, I need to ask you a question. Do you respect my ability as an officer?"

His face clouded with disbelief, followed by understanding. Staring straight into her eyes, he spoke briefly, and honestly. "Carter, I have respected you for as long as I've known you. As an officer, and as a person. You are one of the only people I trust completely, and I wouldn't lose you on my team for anything. That's best answer I can give you."

Carter's eyes lifted, and filled with a warmth and light he hadn't seen for too long.

"Thank you. I feel the same about you Sir." Her tone changed slightly. "So you don't think I'm…oh, I don't know…a bimbo…?" She gave him a worried look.

"Oh come on Carter, anyone who can do whatever you do with those computers and device-thingys…" he waved a descriptive hand, "Can't be a bimbo! You're the smartest person I know! Maybe even too smart…" He raised a Teal'c-like eyebrow.

"We'd better get back to camp sir." Sam smiled, before setting off through the trees. O'Neill followed.

"Oh, and sir? I'm going to hold you to that promise about the short-shorts."

"Crap, I thought you'd forgotten about that… Just as long as it's not in front of the marines! You know what they're like…"

"Sir, you shouldn't give me ideas."

"D'oh!"

Well there it is. I hope it's long enough for you all, and isn't too trashy. I've got this feeling it's not as good as the earlier stuff. As always ideas, suggestions, tips, hate mail etc, please feel free to hit the review button, and tell me.

Thankyou for your patience, and we'll be back soon for another edition of Offworld Antics!

StarKate


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